Perfectionism
“Perfectionism becomes a badge of honor with you playing the part of the suffering hero” - David D. Burns
You’re a perfectionist.
You’re a high achiever. You always have been. You’re probably really good at paying close attention to detail, you don’t miss a beat, and you’re known for being extremely reliable. People see you as being successful and admire you for your work ethic.
So what’s the problem?
The problem is that
Perfectionism is actually born out of fear. Perfectionists often feel paralyzed and stuck because nothing feels good enough in their eyes. They also tend to think in black-and-white ways, and this often becomes a huge stressor in their life. They become deathly scared of failure that it chains them from actually living their life fully. Because if you can’t guarantee that it’ll be perfect and without consequences, then what’s the point of trying?
Perfectionists learned to aim for perfection because they learned from their upbringing that perfection was the only acceptable way to be. They learned early on that striving for perfection meant getting recognition and affection from their parents, and the only way their family accepted them. Anything other than perfection was punished, criticized, or dismissed. Perfectionists have a deep yearning for connection, and this is the only way they know how to feel like they belong.
As paradoxical it may sound, Perfectionism leads to Procrastination.
You’re a high achiever, but you sometimes “crash” and get stuck in the rut of procrastination. Because you already have 100 things to do on your list, you’ve ran 1000 different ways to tackle a project and you think about all the work you have to put in to make it perfect and then you feel overwhelmed. You wonder if you can do it right, and that fear of failure in your stomach sinks in even lower. You can’t find the motivation to finish that project, it feels like you’re literally trying to lift yourself out of the mud, you have zero energy, you feel terrible, and then here comes the shame. That shame tells you that you’re an embarrassment, a failure, and that you’re worthless. The only way you measured your worth was through your achievements, so when you’re not performing like you “should”, you feel that dread in the pit of your stomach. It becomes too much, so you shut down.
When we work on releasing ourselves from Perfectionism, we can feel
Confident.
You will feel more confident in your ability to make decisions and in your ability to handle the hard stuff.
Present.
You will feel more present and grounded in your body and in your relationships. You can build meaningful relationships and learn to trust, to know when you need help, and to ask for help without feeling like a failure.
Compassionate.
Instead of believing in what that harsh inner critic tells you about yourself and others, you’ll learn to replace those thoughts and beliefs with more compassionate and kind ones. From that place, you’ll feel more encouraged to create more meaningful connections.
Alive.
Instead of being stuck on being fearful of how you might mess up and therefore missing out on things, you will feel more alive as you allow yourself to make mistakes, laugh, learn, connect with others, and allow yourself to do the things that actually bring you joy.
Therapy for Perfectionism
I can help. Let’s start.